i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
