I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
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World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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