Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
