It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
