He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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