Umm I'm too high to move.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
