Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
