No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
we made out on top of his cat.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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