My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
