He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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