do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
