Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
