$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize