She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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