Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
