She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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