The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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