Betty ford says i'm here all night
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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