Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
