i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
