I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
