when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
