I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
