Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
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I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?