My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Can I color on your dick again?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
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So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me