You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
