Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Soap is not a condiment
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
