If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
