I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
