i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
