hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
