I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
