if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
