I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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