So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You dont lie about slip and slides
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
