Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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