dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
