if i can run in heels then i can drive
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
