Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
