I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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