Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
