the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
your penis
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How does one acquire holy water?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
