He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
