I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
