I'm so fucking centered right now
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
