It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Randomize
