Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
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I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
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All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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