Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
