I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
