i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
