He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
