How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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