I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
