Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
