who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
