my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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