9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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