I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
