u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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