Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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