we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
