i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
